Dain Bramage

Have you ever heard of a scientific study that used a lot of grant money to figure out something we all knew already? Have you heard of the study that proved the human brain is still "Under Construction" in the teenage years? As a mother of three teen-aged boys, I could have taken a portion of that grant money, gave them the answer they were looking for, and saved them a lot of time and energy. But *I* never had teenage brain. *I* was mature and focused as a teen. At least that's the way I remembered it until just a few days ago...

A memory from my teenage years popped into my mind. The memory was of something I did that was so outrageous and so uncharacteristic of who I am today. It also was so utterly forgotten until just recently that I wondered if it really happened at all. My family--people that I still interact with regularly--would remember this event. How has no one brought it up to tease me or laugh about it? Surely I dreamed it up. Nope. I asked my aunt Nellie, and we laughed and laughed until we couldn't breathe over the strange events.

It was autumn of my 15th or 16th year. We were members of a Catholic church and if you don't know about Catholic church bazaars you are really missing out. Every Catholic church that I know of holds a bazaar as an annual fundraiser. It's a festival of sorts. There are games, food, maybe an auction, bingo, or anything else that will bring in money.  They're a lot of fun and our church just happened to hold their bazaar in the fall, right around Halloween as a matter of fact. So that year the youth group decided to dress up in costumes for the bazaar.

My aunt, Nellie, took us out to get our costumes. Being the last minute kind of people that we are, this happened to be the day of the festival. I walked up and down the aisles looking and looking and finally found THE costume. Nellie tried to tell me it was inappropriate and desperately tried to draw my attention to another costume but I wouldn't budge, I liked THIS one. Nellie told me my mother would never let me wear the outfit and if this was the only one I settled on then I wouldn't have anything to wear that night. I insisted my mom would see that the costume was perfectly fine and would too let me wear it. Either way I was willing to take the chance. I went home with my prized costume.

My mother had a fit. There was no way she was going to let me out of the house in it. I honestly don't remember ever being this stubborn or why I was in love with the outfit but I stood my ground and fought hard for the stupid thing. My mom had me try it on hoping to make a point of how unsuitable it really was. For me it was just one step closer to victory. I came out of my room and paraded around the house for everyone to see how wonderful it was. My mother was't impressed. We fought some more and finally in exasperation she pulled my grandfather--who had been silent up to now--into the argument.

"What do you think?" My mom said. "Would YOU let her out of the house like that?"

"Psht. It's doesn't show any more than those blue jeans they wear." My grandpa huffed.

And with that, the argument was won. And that's how I managed to get out of the house and attend a church function wearing black high heels and a Playboy Bunny costume.

I wonder if the people at that church still talk about that bazaar. I wonder if they still allow the youth group to wear costumes. I wonder what the heck I was thinking!!! Laughing over the memory with my sister, she said, "We are the same kind of people we judge!"

Why did that memory surface after all this time? I'm convinced it has something to do with mid-life brain--my fully developed (and slightly over-the-hill) adult brain trying to make sense of the reeling and spinning of the teen brains that live in my house. It says, "Oh yes I remember being young and stupid. Remember how mortified mom was over the fishnet stockings we wore to the church bazaar? Ahhh, good times."

CrossRoads

"I'm at a crossroads in my life, something has to change."

Words uttered to a friend while eating a late night dinner in a hole-in-the-wall taqueria. It's true, something has to change.

People ask me a lot how my job is going since I changed career paths over a year ago. I never know how to respond. I am blessed by this job. I do my work well, I am appreciated and liked, I am not micromanaged, and I come and go from the office as I please usually spending at least two days a week working from home. Plus I make about $12,000 more a year than my last job. What's to complain about? Nothing...except I hate it.

Hate is a strong word but there it is. My job is a means to an end, a paycheck. I feel like a rat in the khaki pants and polo shirt race, a team player. My job is not a passion, it's not a calling. I am not making the world a better place by doing my job which now I realize is very important to me. There's a part of me that feels guilty about being so picky about a job my mother would have killed for back when she was a single mom. But you know what? Guilt has done nothing for me and so I am breaking up with it. If I hate my job then I hate it and will use that as motivation to move forward.

Found this article today and it's the kick in the ass I need.
Excerpt below, full article here.

~~~~~~~~~
8 Pieces of Advice That Will Motivate You to Get Shit Done

Live Your Dream

“The best ideas are often the simplest. When we devised Tinder in September 2012 there was still a stigma surrounding online dating. But we spend half our time on our smart phones – why not date on them too? Creating a dream takes blood, sweat and tears. I worked all day, every day. I thought about Tinder in the shower and dreamed about it at night. It wasn’t just my job – it was my life.”

— Whitney Wolfe, co-founder of Tinder

There’s No Such Thing As Impossible

“I learned to push the envelope when it comes to asking questions or making requests. And if you hear ‘that’s not possible,’ then to ask ‘what is possible,’ instead of just saying thank you and leaving. But also to think creatively about problem solving.”

— Emily Weiss, founder of Glossier and Into The Gloss

There’s No Such Thing As Too Confident

“The Donald Trumps and Kanye Wests and Lil Waynes can have a bad day, they can be cocky and disrespectful and arrogant, and at the end of the day we laugh at it. With a woman, it’s always like, ‘Excuse me, how dare you?’ But I’ve always been a ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way’ kind of person. I know I’m as great as the great men in hip-hop, in terms of being an MC. And I think, secretly, they all know! Your overall confidence has to come from within.”

— Nicki Minaj, rapper

The Impossible Dream

I am a wimp when it comes to not being happy. I am a happy person by nature. I see the joy in almost everything and pride myself on not relying (too much) on material things to provide that high, But for the last year or two I have struggled with discontentment. I suppose it's a mid-life thing. An examination of the journey of the first half of my life and where it has brought me. Then comparing that to how much further down the road of accomplishment I think I should be, Whatever. Things like that never bothered me before but all of a sudden now my achievement clock is ticking away.

And TEENAGERS! There are three in my house and those things will suck your self esteem inside out. There are days when you can get a small glimpse of the self-reliant, kind human beings they will eventually turn into but most days I think all they are destined to accomplish in life they will be doing while wearing an orange jumpsuit and chains. And it will all be because I was not enough.

*Not Enough* That sums up the last two years of my life. Those are the words that echo through my head at the end of the day when trying to find sleep. As much as I toil and spin, I will never be enough and that thought eats at me, devours my contentment. I prayed, tried to rely more on the Lord. I focused inward and finally had to admit that I had depression. I said it out loud and then admitted to the people I love that I needed help. Amazingly, doing that did more to lift me up than all the work I had been doing in secret to crawl out of the pit on my own.

Then I started trying to find help. At no point was I suicidal but if I were, the crazy process of trying to find help would have pushed me over the edge. The only person to return one of my many calls was so aggressive and presumptuous that I disliked her immediately through one phone conversation. I never went to see her. I think it was for the best. For both of us.

I still haven't found someone to talk to. But I found something better. I found a dream.

I should know myself better by now. I am a learner and thrive from mastering new things. It feeds my soul in a way nothing else does. And if I have a challenge, I will rise to meet it. I don't always have to conquer the challenge, just facing it head to head and giving it my best is enough to make me flourish and feel alive. I am a better Christian, wife, mom...a better me. Problem is finding the right thing that will flip that switch.

God must have been listening to my prayers because He gave me a challenge. One that if I stand back and really give it a good look, I know it is a crazy dream, maybe an impossible one, but it is a dream nonetheless. Something to cherish in the secrecy of my heart and give me something to think on, strive for, better myself for. It is all I need. I pray that I give it my all to make this impossible dream not just a possibility but a reality. And even more, I want to be a blessing to others through it. If not, I pray that I'm able to ride the motivation as far as I can until I find another challenge. I will continue the rest of my life jumping from one challenge to another like stepping stones in the river that is my life.

Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."