The Impossible Dream

I am a wimp when it comes to not being happy. I am a happy person by nature. I see the joy in almost everything and pride myself on not relying (too much) on material things to provide that high, But for the last year or two I have struggled with discontentment. I suppose it's a mid-life thing. An examination of the journey of the first half of my life and where it has brought me. Then comparing that to how much further down the road of accomplishment I think I should be, Whatever. Things like that never bothered me before but all of a sudden now my achievement clock is ticking away.

And TEENAGERS! There are three in my house and those things will suck your self esteem inside out. There are days when you can get a small glimpse of the self-reliant, kind human beings they will eventually turn into but most days I think all they are destined to accomplish in life they will be doing while wearing an orange jumpsuit and chains. And it will all be because I was not enough.

*Not Enough* That sums up the last two years of my life. Those are the words that echo through my head at the end of the day when trying to find sleep. As much as I toil and spin, I will never be enough and that thought eats at me, devours my contentment. I prayed, tried to rely more on the Lord. I focused inward and finally had to admit that I had depression. I said it out loud and then admitted to the people I love that I needed help. Amazingly, doing that did more to lift me up than all the work I had been doing in secret to crawl out of the pit on my own.

Then I started trying to find help. At no point was I suicidal but if I were, the crazy process of trying to find help would have pushed me over the edge. The only person to return one of my many calls was so aggressive and presumptuous that I disliked her immediately through one phone conversation. I never went to see her. I think it was for the best. For both of us.

I still haven't found someone to talk to. But I found something better. I found a dream.

I should know myself better by now. I am a learner and thrive from mastering new things. It feeds my soul in a way nothing else does. And if I have a challenge, I will rise to meet it. I don't always have to conquer the challenge, just facing it head to head and giving it my best is enough to make me flourish and feel alive. I am a better Christian, wife, mom...a better me. Problem is finding the right thing that will flip that switch.

God must have been listening to my prayers because He gave me a challenge. One that if I stand back and really give it a good look, I know it is a crazy dream, maybe an impossible one, but it is a dream nonetheless. Something to cherish in the secrecy of my heart and give me something to think on, strive for, better myself for. It is all I need. I pray that I give it my all to make this impossible dream not just a possibility but a reality. And even more, I want to be a blessing to others through it. If not, I pray that I'm able to ride the motivation as far as I can until I find another challenge. I will continue the rest of my life jumping from one challenge to another like stepping stones in the river that is my life.

Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."