Dain Bramage

Have you ever heard of a scientific study that used a lot of grant money to figure out something we all knew already? Have you heard of the study that proved the human brain is still "Under Construction" in the teenage years? As a mother of three teen-aged boys, I could have taken a portion of that grant money, gave them the answer they were looking for, and saved them a lot of time and energy. But *I* never had teenage brain. *I* was mature and focused as a teen. At least that's the way I remembered it until just a few days ago...

A memory from my teenage years popped into my mind. The memory was of something I did that was so outrageous and so uncharacteristic of who I am today. It also was so utterly forgotten until just recently that I wondered if it really happened at all. My family--people that I still interact with regularly--would remember this event. How has no one brought it up to tease me or laugh about it? Surely I dreamed it up. Nope. I asked my aunt Nellie, and we laughed and laughed until we couldn't breathe over the strange events.

It was autumn of my 15th or 16th year. We were members of a Catholic church and if you don't know about Catholic church bazaars you are really missing out. Every Catholic church that I know of holds a bazaar as an annual fundraiser. It's a festival of sorts. There are games, food, maybe an auction, bingo, or anything else that will bring in money.  They're a lot of fun and our church just happened to hold their bazaar in the fall, right around Halloween as a matter of fact. So that year the youth group decided to dress up in costumes for the bazaar.

My aunt, Nellie, took us out to get our costumes. Being the last minute kind of people that we are, this happened to be the day of the festival. I walked up and down the aisles looking and looking and finally found THE costume. Nellie tried to tell me it was inappropriate and desperately tried to draw my attention to another costume but I wouldn't budge, I liked THIS one. Nellie told me my mother would never let me wear the outfit and if this was the only one I settled on then I wouldn't have anything to wear that night. I insisted my mom would see that the costume was perfectly fine and would too let me wear it. Either way I was willing to take the chance. I went home with my prized costume.

My mother had a fit. There was no way she was going to let me out of the house in it. I honestly don't remember ever being this stubborn or why I was in love with the outfit but I stood my ground and fought hard for the stupid thing. My mom had me try it on hoping to make a point of how unsuitable it really was. For me it was just one step closer to victory. I came out of my room and paraded around the house for everyone to see how wonderful it was. My mother was't impressed. We fought some more and finally in exasperation she pulled my grandfather--who had been silent up to now--into the argument.

"What do you think?" My mom said. "Would YOU let her out of the house like that?"

"Psht. It's doesn't show any more than those blue jeans they wear." My grandpa huffed.

And with that, the argument was won. And that's how I managed to get out of the house and attend a church function wearing black high heels and a Playboy Bunny costume.

I wonder if the people at that church still talk about that bazaar. I wonder if they still allow the youth group to wear costumes. I wonder what the heck I was thinking!!! Laughing over the memory with my sister, she said, "We are the same kind of people we judge!"

Why did that memory surface after all this time? I'm convinced it has something to do with mid-life brain--my fully developed (and slightly over-the-hill) adult brain trying to make sense of the reeling and spinning of the teen brains that live in my house. It says, "Oh yes I remember being young and stupid. Remember how mortified mom was over the fishnet stockings we wore to the church bazaar? Ahhh, good times."

CrossRoads

"I'm at a crossroads in my life, something has to change."

Words uttered to a friend while eating a late night dinner in a hole-in-the-wall taqueria. It's true, something has to change.

People ask me a lot how my job is going since I changed career paths over a year ago. I never know how to respond. I am blessed by this job. I do my work well, I am appreciated and liked, I am not micromanaged, and I come and go from the office as I please usually spending at least two days a week working from home. Plus I make about $12,000 more a year than my last job. What's to complain about? Nothing...except I hate it.

Hate is a strong word but there it is. My job is a means to an end, a paycheck. I feel like a rat in the khaki pants and polo shirt race, a team player. My job is not a passion, it's not a calling. I am not making the world a better place by doing my job which now I realize is very important to me. There's a part of me that feels guilty about being so picky about a job my mother would have killed for back when she was a single mom. But you know what? Guilt has done nothing for me and so I am breaking up with it. If I hate my job then I hate it and will use that as motivation to move forward.

Found this article today and it's the kick in the ass I need.
Excerpt below, full article here.

~~~~~~~~~
8 Pieces of Advice That Will Motivate You to Get Shit Done

Live Your Dream

“The best ideas are often the simplest. When we devised Tinder in September 2012 there was still a stigma surrounding online dating. But we spend half our time on our smart phones – why not date on them too? Creating a dream takes blood, sweat and tears. I worked all day, every day. I thought about Tinder in the shower and dreamed about it at night. It wasn’t just my job – it was my life.”

— Whitney Wolfe, co-founder of Tinder

There’s No Such Thing As Impossible

“I learned to push the envelope when it comes to asking questions or making requests. And if you hear ‘that’s not possible,’ then to ask ‘what is possible,’ instead of just saying thank you and leaving. But also to think creatively about problem solving.”

— Emily Weiss, founder of Glossier and Into The Gloss

There’s No Such Thing As Too Confident

“The Donald Trumps and Kanye Wests and Lil Waynes can have a bad day, they can be cocky and disrespectful and arrogant, and at the end of the day we laugh at it. With a woman, it’s always like, ‘Excuse me, how dare you?’ But I’ve always been a ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way’ kind of person. I know I’m as great as the great men in hip-hop, in terms of being an MC. And I think, secretly, they all know! Your overall confidence has to come from within.”

— Nicki Minaj, rapper

The Impossible Dream

I am a wimp when it comes to not being happy. I am a happy person by nature. I see the joy in almost everything and pride myself on not relying (too much) on material things to provide that high, But for the last year or two I have struggled with discontentment. I suppose it's a mid-life thing. An examination of the journey of the first half of my life and where it has brought me. Then comparing that to how much further down the road of accomplishment I think I should be, Whatever. Things like that never bothered me before but all of a sudden now my achievement clock is ticking away.

And TEENAGERS! There are three in my house and those things will suck your self esteem inside out. There are days when you can get a small glimpse of the self-reliant, kind human beings they will eventually turn into but most days I think all they are destined to accomplish in life they will be doing while wearing an orange jumpsuit and chains. And it will all be because I was not enough.

*Not Enough* That sums up the last two years of my life. Those are the words that echo through my head at the end of the day when trying to find sleep. As much as I toil and spin, I will never be enough and that thought eats at me, devours my contentment. I prayed, tried to rely more on the Lord. I focused inward and finally had to admit that I had depression. I said it out loud and then admitted to the people I love that I needed help. Amazingly, doing that did more to lift me up than all the work I had been doing in secret to crawl out of the pit on my own.

Then I started trying to find help. At no point was I suicidal but if I were, the crazy process of trying to find help would have pushed me over the edge. The only person to return one of my many calls was so aggressive and presumptuous that I disliked her immediately through one phone conversation. I never went to see her. I think it was for the best. For both of us.

I still haven't found someone to talk to. But I found something better. I found a dream.

I should know myself better by now. I am a learner and thrive from mastering new things. It feeds my soul in a way nothing else does. And if I have a challenge, I will rise to meet it. I don't always have to conquer the challenge, just facing it head to head and giving it my best is enough to make me flourish and feel alive. I am a better Christian, wife, mom...a better me. Problem is finding the right thing that will flip that switch.

God must have been listening to my prayers because He gave me a challenge. One that if I stand back and really give it a good look, I know it is a crazy dream, maybe an impossible one, but it is a dream nonetheless. Something to cherish in the secrecy of my heart and give me something to think on, strive for, better myself for. It is all I need. I pray that I give it my all to make this impossible dream not just a possibility but a reality. And even more, I want to be a blessing to others through it. If not, I pray that I'm able to ride the motivation as far as I can until I find another challenge. I will continue the rest of my life jumping from one challenge to another like stepping stones in the river that is my life.

Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Throwback Thursday

And to lighten the mood a little, this is something I wrote a few years ago...

Filed Under "Rules I Didn't Think I Had to Mention...But I Did." 

Do not climb on top of the car to get onto the roof of the garage. Don't get onto the roof of the garage. Don't get on any roof. (Joe)

You must exit the top bunk before you are allowed to vomit. (Sam)

If you are falling from a bed do not reach out to the window to stop your fall. Much blood, screaming and stitches will ensue. And it will make your mother hyper-ventilate every time she thinks of it even years later. (Joe)

Do not pee in the bathroom trashcan. Do not pee in the houseplants. ("Not Me")

It is really cool when you sink a shot in basketball and get "nothing but net." Try to have the same enthusiasm when it comes to peeing in the toilet. The idea is to get "nothing but water." ("Not Me")

Do not throw wads of wet toilet paper on the bathroom ceiling. (Joe)

Do not lodge bottles of water behind the tires of the car. The resulting explosion of may result in a beating some sort. (Drew and Sam)

If someone must come into your room a second time to wake you up for school it will not be pleasant and it will involve pain. (Drew)

Minion Memos: Just so you know...

Putting your chewed gum down the front of your underwear for later use is not a good idea and will be painful. (Joe)

The miracle about Miracle Whip is that it will remove gum from genitals in a painless and even pleasant way. (Joe)

Walking in front of someone on a swing may cause a head injury. Head injuries can be amazingly bloody. (Sam)

Throwing a tantrum in a carpeted area is less painful than throwing one on a tile floor.(Sam)

If you eat an entire box of strong mints before bed you will wake up in the middle of the night sick to your stomach. Your vomit, however, will smell refreshingly minty. (Joe)

If you get your finger stuck in a hole of the shower shelf, your father and I will come to your rescue. We will wrap you in a towel for modesty's sake, disassemble the shelf and cut it off your finger with tin snips and then laugh at you for weeks. (Drew)

If you swallow a quarter when you are old enough to understand algebra we will randomly say, "Cha-ching!" in your presence and giggle when you turn red. (Not my child)

Chewing on a glowstick will result in your mouth and head glowing in a really cool but alarming way. (Drew)

A child with a glowing head waking you up from a deep sleep is extremely disturbing and will take years off your life. (Drew)

The chemicals that make glowsticks glow are non-toxic.

If you jump up and down throwing a screaming hissy fit because you didn't get your way, you will be asked to repeat the show once we have the camcorder ready. (Sam)

I agree that farts are funny but I will deny this in public. ("Not Me")

If you sustain an injury while pitching a fit, you are not entitled to any sympathy. We will try hard not to pee our pants while laughing at you. (Sam)

I gave you life, I do not have to give you a cell phone. (Drew)

If all of your friends have cells phone then you are one lucky guy – use theirs. (Drew)

If you leave a crow bar in the yard, your neighbor will find it with his $4000 zero turning radius riding lawn tractor. ("Not Me, I swear!")

...We battle too, for men...

From my favorite poem Bread and Roses:
"As we come marching marching,
We battle too, for men
For they are women's children
And we'll mother them again."

It’s been nearly three weeks since the confrontation. Why am I always so surprised at how much difference time can make? Thankfully, there was no yelling, no denial. It seemed he was relieved at being found out. What had been an every-now-and-then thing had snowballed into a full on binge that was out of control. I had been afraid of the truths that would come to light but am so comforted to find he had not ventured that far down the rabbit hole. The journey out of the hole and into the light was not a hard one. A couple days of sleeplessness and anxiety while his body detoxed was all it took.

Now, I feel that I have my son back. It has not been all happy, happy; there has been attitude, a little passive aggression to deal with and pleading to let up on the punishment but for the most part it has been better all around. There has been more talking, more communication and a lot more hugs and connections.  I am so relieved and thankful but will not let down my guard. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Walking the line between gracious love and unyielding principal is so hard to do but me and my husband have managed to do it so far. And together

For reasons only God knows, He has shown me the situations of a couple of friends. The first is a dear friend who is fighting the battle of her son’s addiction. He has sadly gone far, far down the rabbit hole and does not want to leave. It breaks my heart knowing her pleas and struggles. I also looked up an old friend from grade school, found her blog and read it from beginning to end as she poured out her heart over the loss of her son from suicide. She is facing the one year anniversary of his death on Christmas day. She is overcome with paralyzing pain, immense anger and guilt. I have cried and prayed. I am still praying.

Why did I find all this out? Why now? I feel that God brought all this to my attention for a reason but not sure why. If nothing else, I have been faithful and have covered my children, and other’s children in a deluge of prayer. And I want to cry out to those who have cute, sweet toddlers to prepare their hearts to possibly be broken by their children. But I’ll be silent until it happens and hopefully I can be a rock for someone who needs it.

The Beginning of a Difficult Journey

It's funny how your heart can know something but your head denies it. Or your head has knowledge that doesn't make it to your heart. I've known for a while now—a gut instinct, a mother's knowing—but there was no evidence so my head held onto the shred of denial while it could. Now even though there is still no hard evidence, this morning my head and my heart agree, my son is on drugs.

That is so hard to type. When I look at my son, there is a man there. But still I see the boy. The boy that giggled and brought me flowers and tried so much to mimic his dad. Where did we go wrong? Were we not strict enough, not vigilant enough? Yes.

So the journey begins and it's scary. There will be confrontation, denial, yelling, strife, lies told, truths revealed, lies remade, trust shattered. And there will be tears, they've already started. I'm weary already. What is this going to do to my family? Give me strength and endurance.

Lord, I promise to come to you in prayer at every turn. I fall on my knees in the middle of my son's room and ask you to please forgive my denial and take it away. I want truth even if it's not easy. Guide us, help us to walk the line of grace and mercy while being as hard and exacting as our son needs. Give us shrewdness and discernment, make us see. Bring the hidden sins to the light. Cover my son in love, grace and mercy but purify him with fire to make him reflect your image. Protect him from harm. I pray in the name of our Savior who was tempted in every way, Jesus. Amen.

Forty Three

Just some random thoughts written on my 43rd birthday... 

1. The meaning of life is simple. It boils down to God and people. Enjoy them to the fullest.
2. To be happy in life, fall in love with a man that makes you laugh. I did.
3. Twilight—the time when you can still count the stars—is the best time of day. The air smells like tea and is so calming.
4. Forgive yourself.
5. Forgive others.
6. The importance of forgiveness can’t be overstated, but it isn’t a magic band-aid and won’t fix a broken relationship. That takes a huge investment of time and commitment.
7. Never pass up an opportunity to have an English muffin.
8. Everyone knows to take care of the skin on their face but you should also take care of your neck too. That’s where aging really shows.
9. Comparison is the quencher of joy.
10. Forget clowns, it’s the monkeys and apes that are pure evil. They are just waiting to take over the world and eat us all face-first.
11. Microwave popcorn is an abomination.
12. Burnt microwave popcorn is the scourge of the earth.
13. Passive/Agressive head games can be won simply by not playing them. Or even acknowledging their existence. At. All.
14. Motherhood is not a competition, quit acting like it.
15. We are no more or less than the choices we make in life. Choose to be kind. Choose to be brilliant. Choose to be amazing.
16. No one else will make you great. You have to do it yourself.
17. Joy is free and abundant. So is misery. It’s your choice.
18. Parenting teenagers is like living in a psych ward. Sometimes you’re the warden but other times you feel like being alone in the rubber room so you can munch on crayons in peace.
19. The best feeling in the whole world is a baby rolling and tumbling inside you.
20. Relationships: Don’t burn your bridges. Except the ones that need to be burnt. Soak them in gasoline, light the match and walk away. Don’t look back.
21. Iced tea is proof God loves us.
22. The most ferocious animal on earth? A mad mama.
23. It’s a lot harder to turn a bad boy into a good man than it is to turn a good man into a bad boy. And then it’s your own personal brand of corruption.
24. Learn how to set boundaries.
25. Learn how to be angry, how to communicate that anger and how to argue constructively. It’s essential to a good marriage. To any good relationship actually.
26. I believe in aliens.
27. I want to believe in ghosts.
28. I have no first-hand experience with either and I like it just fine that way.
29. If a relationship wouldn’t survive if you stopped carrying it then it’s time you dropped it completely and walked away.
30. Being kind, loving and slow to anger is more important than I can say. However Crazy-Psycho-Witch is sometimes an appropriate response.
31. Live frugally but know that there are things you have to spend good money on and not buy cheaply. Things like mattresses and bras.
32. “Zero Tolerance” is the biggest load of crap. It’s a way to take common sense out of any situation.
33. Silence is a good way to get information out of people.
34. I will never understand the belief system behind homeopathic medicine.
35. You can compliment someone for some specific character trait and then watch as they become that way. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophesy. Works especially well with kids so try to find ways to compliment them for being kind, gentle, helpful, etc.
36. I can’t believe I’m this old. I feel 30, tops.
37. If you find a purse that you really like, go back and buy another one. Same with make-up.
38. Don’t trust anyone that is rude to wait staff.
39. If you fall in love and everyone around you tells you that it’s no good, listen to them.
40. Don’t neglect your girlfriends; they are the special ingredient to making a bland life an amazing life. I have a great group of friends I am so thankful for.
41. There’s a difference between happiness and joy. What you want is joy, it’s not dependant on your circumstances.
42. The most important decision in life is to follow God. The second most important decision is who you will marry. A bad marriage can destroy your soul.
43. I am a work in progress and I won’t give up on myself. Ever.