Throwback Thursday

And to lighten the mood a little, this is something I wrote a few years ago...

Filed Under "Rules I Didn't Think I Had to Mention...But I Did." 

Do not climb on top of the car to get onto the roof of the garage. Don't get onto the roof of the garage. Don't get on any roof. (Joe)

You must exit the top bunk before you are allowed to vomit. (Sam)

If you are falling from a bed do not reach out to the window to stop your fall. Much blood, screaming and stitches will ensue. And it will make your mother hyper-ventilate every time she thinks of it even years later. (Joe)

Do not pee in the bathroom trashcan. Do not pee in the houseplants. ("Not Me")

It is really cool when you sink a shot in basketball and get "nothing but net." Try to have the same enthusiasm when it comes to peeing in the toilet. The idea is to get "nothing but water." ("Not Me")

Do not throw wads of wet toilet paper on the bathroom ceiling. (Joe)

Do not lodge bottles of water behind the tires of the car. The resulting explosion of may result in a beating some sort. (Drew and Sam)

If someone must come into your room a second time to wake you up for school it will not be pleasant and it will involve pain. (Drew)

Minion Memos: Just so you know...

Putting your chewed gum down the front of your underwear for later use is not a good idea and will be painful. (Joe)

The miracle about Miracle Whip is that it will remove gum from genitals in a painless and even pleasant way. (Joe)

Walking in front of someone on a swing may cause a head injury. Head injuries can be amazingly bloody. (Sam)

Throwing a tantrum in a carpeted area is less painful than throwing one on a tile floor.(Sam)

If you eat an entire box of strong mints before bed you will wake up in the middle of the night sick to your stomach. Your vomit, however, will smell refreshingly minty. (Joe)

If you get your finger stuck in a hole of the shower shelf, your father and I will come to your rescue. We will wrap you in a towel for modesty's sake, disassemble the shelf and cut it off your finger with tin snips and then laugh at you for weeks. (Drew)

If you swallow a quarter when you are old enough to understand algebra we will randomly say, "Cha-ching!" in your presence and giggle when you turn red. (Not my child)

Chewing on a glowstick will result in your mouth and head glowing in a really cool but alarming way. (Drew)

A child with a glowing head waking you up from a deep sleep is extremely disturbing and will take years off your life. (Drew)

The chemicals that make glowsticks glow are non-toxic.

If you jump up and down throwing a screaming hissy fit because you didn't get your way, you will be asked to repeat the show once we have the camcorder ready. (Sam)

I agree that farts are funny but I will deny this in public. ("Not Me")

If you sustain an injury while pitching a fit, you are not entitled to any sympathy. We will try hard not to pee our pants while laughing at you. (Sam)

I gave you life, I do not have to give you a cell phone. (Drew)

If all of your friends have cells phone then you are one lucky guy – use theirs. (Drew)

If you leave a crow bar in the yard, your neighbor will find it with his $4000 zero turning radius riding lawn tractor. ("Not Me, I swear!")